


Picnic

by sunflower1343



Category: Finder no Hyouteki | Finder Series
Genre: Childishness, Crack, Silly
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-21
Updated: 2014-08-21
Packaged: 2018-02-14 01:33:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,505
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2172978
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sunflower1343/pseuds/sunflower1343
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Some midweek crack: Asami takes Aki to the crime lord picnic.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Picnic

**Author's Note:**

> You know how I said I was posting all my stuff here, warts and all? Here's a wart LOL. This is incredibly juvenile crack that I wrote to cheer myself up one night and it's likely not for everyone, but I figure if this makes just one person laugh it's worth the humiliation of the rest of you seeing it. ;D Originally written in May 2005, taken from memories of road trips with my brothers when we were little kids.

Takaba got into the passenger seat of the BMW and chirped, “What a nice day! I can’t wait for the picnic!”

Asami, who had been pulling out into traffic, stopped the car with a lurch and turned to stare at the young man with narrowed eyes. 

“Lose the cameras. Now.”

Takaba scowled. He took a small camera out of his shirt pocket and gave it to Asami.

“That was too easy. Lose the other cameras.”

Takaba frowned more and reluctantly pulled another camera out of the large pocket in his cargo shorts.

“Do you want to find out if the last one fits where your film did?”

Takaba blanched and quickly pulled the last camera from inside the front of his shirt.

Asami stared a minute longer, then satisfied, pulled out into traffic.

“I don’t see why you won’t let me take a few pictures. It would be the scoop of the century. It’s not like these people are your friends. You’d only be eliminating the competition.”

“Stop pouting. You sound like a child. Everyone has agreed that this is a day of truce. If I violate that they’ll come after me, and guess whose ass is going to be the first one capped?”

“I didn’t know you cared.”

“I care about your ass.”

Takaba huffed and turned toward the window sticking his ass out at Asami.

“Then you can just talk to _it_ for the rest of the trip.”

Takaba felt his shorts being dragged down.

“Hey! Stop! W-What are you doing?” 

“I just thought of a good use for the popsicles in the cooler… “

The ass was quickly covered back up and placed properly in the seat.

“OK, all right, you made your point, ha ha. I’ll behave.” He added under his breath, “At least as long as you can see me.”

“I heard that.”

“Heard what?” 

Asami glared.

Takaba fluttered his lashes innocently and sat back. “Are we there yet?”

It was going to be a long trip.

 

**

 

Two hours later…

“Fifty-five rolls of film up my ass, Fifty-five rolls of film, Shoot one out, give a loud shout, Fifty-four--”

“Goddammit if you don’t shut up you’re going to be living that song!”

“Aw c’mon Asami, this is boring. We’re probably lost. I knew we should have taken that left turn at Albuquerque.”

“We are NOT lost. I know how to get there. I’ve been there every year for the past fifteen.”

“Really? You’ve been a mob boss since you were twenty?” Takaba was incredulous.

Asami preened. “I actually became a mob boss when I was seventeen but you can’t come to the picnic unless you’re drinking age, so it’s only been fifteen years because of that.” 

“Wow. So you were basically a jerk even while you were growing up.”

Asami scowled. “I showed initiative.”

“Jerk.”

“I was clever, strong, and aggressive!”

“Jerk. Jerk. Jerk.”

Asami slammed on the brakes. “Takaba! So help me…”

“What? If I don’t behave you’re gonna turn this car around and go home?”

Asami rested his forehead on the steering wheel.

“Say, you don’t look so good Asami. Maybe we should take a break down on the shore there.”

Asami raised his head and blinked. “Shore? What shore? We’re headed towards the mountains.”

Takaba pointed to the left. “Welllll, unless they suddenly sunk in that bay there….”

Asami looked. Asami closed his eyes. Asami opened his eyes. The sea didn’t go away. He did the only thing Asami could do under the circumstances.

He got out of the car and started shooting at it.

“Jesus Christ, Asami! What the fuck?!”

He emptied the clip. All 9 rounds. He smiled and took a deep breath. “I feel much better -- almost normal again.”

“Well gee, I’m so happy. Have you ever thought of therapy? Can we get back in the car and go now that you’re ‘ _normal_ ’ again?”

“I said _almost_ normal.”

Asami stalked around the car, a familiar gleam in his eyes. “Before we leave, I want to discuss a little matter of film…”

 

**

 

Several hours later…

 

“Here we are, and it looks like we’re not too late. Takaba, you should really try to stop pouting and have some fun.”

“Yeah, well, when they ask, _you_ can explain where the missing popsicles went!”

Asami asked sweetly, “Do you really want me to?” He licked at the lingering cherry flavor on the corner of his mouth.

“No! Just forget it! I know _I’m_ going to try to. Where are we going here?”

“Just follow the signs.”

Takaba looked around.

\-----------------------------------------------------------------

####  **53 rd Annual Picnic for the East Asian Association of Crimelords.***

##### *(Henchmen by invitation only.)

##### *(No shooting within picnic boundaries.)

\-----------------------------------------------------------------

“Hey! Asami! Am I a henchman?”

“Of course not. You’re an uke. You don’t even rate a mention.”

“Yeah, but how will they _know_ I’m an uke?”

Asami just looked at him. Takaba glared. 

“They won’t know just by looking at me. I’ll bet you a night of obedience for anyone who guesses, and if _I_ win, _you_ obey _me_. But you’re not allowed to say a thing to influence them.”

Asami smiled. Asami had no moral qualms whatsoever about taking advantage of the intellectually challenged. 

“You’re on. I won’t say a word.”

Takaba smugly took the first cooler and headed for the picnic area. Asami picked up the other and followed along, grinning at the large blotch of cherry on the back of Takaba’s shorts.

 

**

“Hey Asami! How ya doin’? Nice uke!”

Takaba scowled more. 

_Dammit, that’s five. How the fuck do they know?_

“Aw, what a face for a kitten.”

Takaba stalked off, fur bristling and tail in the air.

He wandered around a bit, staying away from Asami and his ‘friends’. 

_How could they know?_ Takaba was confused, but he never let that stop him from self-denial before. _Asami must be telling them. After he gave his word too. Dammit the man just wasn’t to be trusted._

His stomping was starting to pound deep depressions into the ground when he decided he'd had enough. He suddenly turned, ready to go give Asami a piece of his mind.

Thwack!

“What the hell’s wrong with you? Why don’t you watch where you’re going? You got watermelon all over the front of me!”

He looked up to meet a very furious Feilong’s eyes.

“YOU!” They both shouted in unison. “What are YOU doing here?”

Again: “Dammit shut UP!” 

Feilong slapped a hand over Takaba’s mouth. Takaba licked it. Feilong pulled his hand back in disgust. Takaba spit in disgust. He didn’t know where Feilong’s hand had been, but it didn’t taste like buffet items.

“You little shit. If there weren’t a truce called for the day you’d be pulling a lawn dart out of your ass, instead of, hmmm, looks like popsicles. Huh Takaba, cherry popsicles behind, watermelon in front. Keep it up and by the end of the day you’ll be a fucking fruit bowl.”

“You can tell cherry popsicles by scent? You’re good. Then how about sniffing your hand and telling me who’s ass you felt up last?”

“I can’t tell popsicles by scent. I just know Asami’s preferences. Up close and personal. And I know if he really likes you he uses the grape flavored ones.” 

Asami chose that moment to appear from the gathering crowd, and a furious Takaba shouted, “DAMMIT ASAMI, WHY DON’T YOU EVER STICK A GRAPE POPSICLE UP MY ASS?!?"

Asami blinked, and smiled that evil smile that says “Oh, you’re so going to regret that, and I’m so going to enjoy making you regret it.”. 

Asami took Takaba’s arm. “Let’s go. I think you’ve had enough of this picnic.” He turned to go, then looked back at Feilong’s once white shirt, now covered in watermelon. “What is it with you and pink?”

He turned and left with Takaba following sullenly, Feilong swearing in the distance. 

“I thought you weren’t supposed to tell anyone!” 

“I didn’t have to tell them. Besides, if you’d ever bother to look at the seat of your shorts…”

Takaba twisted and turned, bent and stretched, to see what Asami referred to.

“That’s a nubile young uke you’ve got there, Asami!”

Smirk. “Six”

“That one doesn’t count!”

“Does so, kitten.”

Takaba snarled. “I’ll make a deal. I’ll let it count if you can get us home without a detour to the ocean.”

“I’d think you’d know better than to make deals with me today. Besides, I meant to go there. Where else was I going to fuck you today?”

“Oh gee, I don’t know… Any place there was a pipe to tie my hands to?”

“I think I’ll also buy a leash when I buy your collar. One of those retractable ones…”

“WHAT?! If you ever try to collar me you’re going to learn that this kitten bites!”

“So you admit that you’re a kitten. That’s progress, Takaba. I’ll get you a ball to play with too.”

Takaba stared, speechless.

“So, where would you bite me?”

“Asami, you bastard…”

It was going to be a long trip home.

 

~end~


End file.
